Dealing with Selection Disappointment
Not being selected sucks. It really does. It’s an unfortunate truth of rugby that no matter how hard you work, or how well you train, there are only ever going to be 15 starting shirts at the weekend and unfortunately one of them won’t always belong to you.
If you do find yourself on the bench or not in the squad, it’s natural to be disappointed and it’s important you speak to your coach to find out why you haven’t been picked and what you can do to change that for future games.
However, how you do that is really important and can have a massive impact on your relationship with your coach moving forwards. Conversations about selection are hard, but here are our top do’s and don’ts on how best to have them:
How to speak to your coach
DO give yourself time to come to terms with selection and allow your emotions to calm down
Rushing into the conversation when you are highly emotional isn’t ever a good idea. We all say and do things we later wish we hadn’t when we allow our emotions alone to guide us. Give yourself 24 hours to come to terms with selection and allow yourself to process things before speaking to a coach, this should allow you to make your points more accurately while also allowing you to be more receptive to advice.
DON’T rush into a conversation while emotions are running high
Speaking to your coach as soon as you get the disappointing news and at a random time that isn’t arranged isn’t often a good idea. Arrange a time to meet with your coach in advance and let them know you’d like to discuss selection, this will allow you both to go into the chat with a clear idea of what’s going to be discussed and a better idea of what to expect.
DO seek tangible feedback on why you haven’t been picked and what you can do to improve this
Asking your coach for specific feedback on reasons you haven’t been picked is really important. Once you have that feedback you can then go away and work on improving whatever the reason is, eg your tackling or kicking. It’s key that this feedback is tangible and actionable from your coach, use questions such as ‘what do you need me to improve in order to be selected?’ or ‘what do you need to see from me in training in order to give me a better chance to be picked?’
DON’T talk down other players and their abilities
It is natural to feel that you are a better player or can provide more than the player that has been picked ahead of you, however, talking them down to your coach isn’t ever a good move. From a coaches’ perspective, this gives the impression that you don’t feel you need or want to improve, you’d rather just point out the flaws in other player’s performances and isn’t the sort of attitude coaches tend to look for in players.
DO action the feedback you are given
Once your coach has given you tangible feedback on what they need you to improve, it’s really important you action that. For example, if your coach has told you they need you to improve your passing, it’s important you then work with them, or other coaches to do exactly that. Whether that be during your sessions, or putting in extra work pre or post training, it’s crucial that you do implement the advice you’ve been given in order to improve.
DON’T expect the feedback to change in one week
Improvement unfortunately takes time. Your coach may have told you last week that you needed to improve your tackling to get picked, and you may have worked to improve it all week long, but when selection comes around next week, don’t be surprised if that is the same reason you aren’t picked again. This is because improvement takes time, it may take you 4-6 weeks to show the improvements your coach needs you to in order to make the team, don’t expect the feedback to change in one week and don’t get disheartened if it doesn’t.
DO be honest with your coach and open to feedback
It’s really important that the conversation is between coach and player, not just your coach speaking to you. It’s understandable that you will have frustrations and questions and it’s important you voice them as long as it is in a polite and respectful way. It’s also important that you are open to the feedback your coach gives you, you aren’t always going to agree with it and that’s fine, but if you don’t take it onboard then nothing is going to change.
Know When It’s Time to Reassess
If you’ve followed this advice but your coaches won’t engage with you, give you conflicting feedback or are dishonest about their selection criteria, it might be time to rethink your environment.
Every club has a different ethos. Some prioritise results, whilst others focus on development and inclusion. Neither is right or wrong, but you deserve to be somewhere that aligns with your values and goals.
Remember Your Worth Isn’t Tied to Selection
You’re more than a team sheet!
Rugby is a game of opinions, and sometimes, selection isn’t about how hard you’ve worked or how much you care, but that doesn’t make your effort or you as a person any less valuable.
If you’re really struggling with selection, your confidence, or worries about performance, consider speaking to a sports psychologist or mental health professional. Your mental wellbeing matters just as much as your physical fitness, so make sure you’re looking after your mental health too.
